LoraA

I never looked forward to the new year, it generally only took me a couple of days before I broke my new year’s resolutions and then that little dark cloud just seemed to loom in the background.

But not this year baby!  After our December support group I determined not to make any resolutions, but to recommit to myself that I am worthy of a healthy life and to take a step toward that each day.  I know it is not specific - against our goal setting - but it is where I needed to be mentally right now.

So Jan 1, I took my daughter to the park- something I have avoided (she has only been there once in 2 years) because I was afraid she would want me to play and I couldn’t.  But it wasn’t the case…we rode the swings together (it didn’t break, it didn’t even squeek) we played tag, went up the jungle-gym and down the slides (yes, even me) and set together in the play car and went on a safari.  Four hours later we were still having fun, and only stopped because it was getting too cold.  I had the biggest smile moment of my weight loss when I was the one playing with the kids, not being the parent saying “not today - maybe another day - that is only made for little kids”  I had the best time hearing the giggles from my daughter, smiling and proudly saying my Mom will play with us and she can be it, and proclaiming in a much louder voice then I was comfortable with, “hey Mom you didn’t even get stuck on the little slide and that is pretty silly cause that is made for little kids”.

I have really struggled these past couple of months, and so I am going to go from this point forward, if you have an interest in between my last blog and now let me know, otherwise I have to keep present for this to make sense for me.

My struggle, is having to deal with not having as much of me anymore and the things that go along with that.  As I have mentioned before I have used my weight as a means to protect and comfort me.  While I was meditating this morning it finally came together in my head…

to borrow a line or two…

My strength, my comfort and my protection first and foremost comes from the Lord above!

My comfort comes from the giggles of my daughter as we chase each other down the slide…NOT FOOD!

My strength comes from a note left by my keyes from my teenager that says “ I love you so much, and I have the prettiest Mom of ALL”…NOT FOOD!

My protection comes from me being healthy enough mentally and physically to make good decisions for myself…NOT FOOD!

 Our journey to becoming obese was one full of twist, turns and time.  Our journey out of obesity is nothing less! 

My journey right now has been the deepest I have EVER allowed myself…but it is my time to heal…both mentally and physically.  So I WILL NOT look at the last couple of months in a negative light, because the light finally came on.  I am in a much different place then I was in October and I truly feel that the person outside is starting to reflect the person inside.

Just one last thought for the night…smile - it makes you feel better, those around you feel better, and it just has to burn more calories :o) 

We slowed down the fill this time and only went with a half cc – that gives me 2.5cc in my band at this point, and I have lost another 7 pounds – that puts me at a total of  35 pounds since my surgery 3 months ago.  The numbers don’t seem that significant to me, but the way that I feel is tremendous.  I can work my shift on a busy surgery day without being so sore that I thought I wouldn’t be able to get up the next morning, I can play on the floor with my daughter – I am learning all about the Littlest Pet Shop, I can take my teenager out driving and fit comfortably behind the safety belts in the front and back seat!  So the fact that I can spring to attention, that I can walk up the stairs without getting winded, and actually did yard work is a big miracle to me.  In all honesty that is how I need to measure my success, because I started to get compulsive about getting on the scale 3-4 times a day and Jamie gave me a stern warning to only get on there once a week and don’t get so focused on the numbers, because ultimately I will set myself up for failure.

It is time for summer fun, and I love to swim – the water is my solace and comfort, but with working two jobs I don’t have much time for it these days.  I need to make more time I know, because it is truly my exercise of choice.  I had a smile moment this week, the scale reads 249 – I am officially less than 250 pounds (the weight I listed on my driver’s license).  HORRAY!!!! And on top of that I fit into those size 18 pants, they are a little snug but they are buttoned and zipped and there is NO elastic in the waist!

Okay, getting something stuck was scary and I didn’t like it at all – rushed eating sushi and boy was that uncomfortable, I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath and very quickly I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough.  That is something that I don’t care to repeat anytime in the near future, but I can’t say ever…as I think each one of us can identify that we will test the waters more than once, because those are the habits we have – it is part of the reason that we came to the point of being morbidly obese.

Joy, joy, joy – my Mom took me shopping to get a few things for my first cruise that I will be going on – and guess what I am down from a size 24 to a 20!!!  I can’t hardly believe it, I even slipped into an 18 and could almost get them buttoned…it won’t be long.

Well, I went on my first cruise and have to say that I enjoyed myself from the moment that we left the house.  When I used to think about going on a cruise I would think about all the food – midnight buffets and no one telling you that you could only have one.  I ate at meal times (only 3 times a day) they have so many varieties and alternatives, it was really easy.  But, most importantly I took strolls around the ship, played bingo (there is some serious bingo on those ships), went to art auctions, read books, and would go to the other end just because I could – do you see the pattern?  I was always doing something, not worried about when I was going to eat – food did not rule my trip, the experience and spending time with my family did!  Living scores another point!!!

Well that fist cc is wearing a little thin, and can’t say that I feel much restriction, so off I go to see Jessica to have a little more added.  Today isn’t as easy to access my port and it took a little doing before meeting with success.  We finally due and another cc is added to my band…even though I really didn’t feel like it was working I lost another 9 pounds – so maybe there was enough restriction to govern my choices that resulted in success. 

I am stuck on Tuna for my main staple right now, as this is not only a good source of protein but easy for me to eat.  It is funny before my surgery I couldn’t eat tuna any longer because I got heartburn something fierce every time I ate it, but now there are no problems.  Maybe it was the amount of tuna I was eating before, or the amount of mayo I used to mix it with…at any rate I am glad that I can tolerate it again.

I am getting hungry now, I talked with Jessica and she reminded me that some patients need a fill at 4 weeks some at 6…so needless to say I was having my first fill at 4 weeks.  Dr. Billy didn’t even finish his sentence before he had the needle in and was injecting my first cc of fluid- that wasn’t too bad, but I never should have looked down it was rather peculiar seeing a needle sticking out of my abdomen.  I have gone down 2 sizes and lost 19 pounds, so as peculiar as it might be – this works!

I walked my first mile this week, I felt alive – I felt as if maybe, just maybe my goal was within my reach this time.  My band, aka Whipping Boy is keeping a tight reign on me and that is a good thing!

I am growing tired of the liquids, and can say that I am ready for the soft mushy food – but that will come soon enough.  I have to say that mixing it up is my best vise – vanilla protein drink with a little sugar-free flavored syrup (like what you put in your coffee) it is a life saver!

Have you ever had a moment when you wake-up in the middle of your life and realize that the sun is shinning a little brighter?  Week 3 started and I woke up feeling fantastic, my feet didn’t seem to be firmly on the ground – this is the best I have felt since my memories allow me to remember.  Remind me again why I waited so long to have this surgery????  What a wonderful moment!!!

Well, I made it home – and let me say that if you live more than 30 minutes from the facility make sure to bring your pain medication with you, because that was the longest 2 hours of my life, my sister couldn’t drive fast enough.  Upon my arrival, I only then realized that my bed was a little too high and I could not get up into it without creating more pain – and for the first time since I woke up after surgery did I have pain at the actual surgical site.  Quick fix – my daughter’s steep stool, used most commonly to reach the sink while brushing teeth got me up enough to get into bed comfortably…sleep is a wonderful thing!  Over the next couple of days I felt better, the shoulder pain was gone by day 3 and I was back to work on Friday.  The liquid diet didn’t bother me too much, as I really didn’t feel hungry and with a ¼-1/2 cup of soup/protein drink I was full – what a truly odd experience.  I went out to lunch with my co-workers on Friday and I couldn’t even finish a small cup of soup broth – YEAH!

Life can be funny!  But on April 1, 2006 it was anything but funny.  I thought to myself, “Who would play a practical joke messing around with my scale? … because there was no way possible that the digital display actually read 330 pounds!

After the bottom fell out of my world, and the tears dried, I decided to do something about my weight.

The following Tuesday, I started back at Weight Watchers with determination that would move mountains. For almost 6 months it was “by-the-book” and the weight came off. I lost a total of 45 pounds in that time and was feeling on top of my world!

Then came the knocking of disaster…the most devastating, emotionally wrenching event toppled my life.

I ran faster than lighting back to my “fat jacket of protection.” If I got fat enough, then no one could come into my world and hurt me or anyone I loved any more. So I justified every morsel that went into my mouth.

By December, I was sitting on the fence.  Was I going to once again gain all the weight back (and more) or was I going to do something about it? I decided that I wanted to live; I wanted to see my beautiful daughters grow-up; I wanted to look into the mirror and see a healthy, vibrant woman looking back at me!

I was motivated. I was ready, willing, and able, I was the Center Director for JourneyLite of Thousand Oaks where we do the LAP-BAND procedure, so you would think I would have had the procedure the next day! The problem – that means I would have to say it out loud – I would have to admit that I needed help and that meant a surgical procedure for weight loss … and that was the scariest moment of my life.

As a nurse, I wasn’t scared of the procedure. I personally think it is one of the greatest advances in medical technology that they have come up with in a while! Watching Dr. Helmuth Billy perform surgery, I had the utmost confidence in his surgical skills. Knowing my staff at the facility is top notch and I would trust them with my life, wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I felt I was stronger than my weight problem on one hand, and on the other hand, I felt I wasn’t worthy of having a life.

So my request started out as a mere whisper, then a tiny comment, then a discussion, then a proclamation. It wasn’t easy and it didn’t happen overnight. It took almost 90 days from that initial whisper before I had my surgical procedure. Once I wrapped my head around the fact that I was worth living, that I was worth the money it would cost to have the procedure performed, I was on the schedule.

Next step on my journey: I had to get a health clearance from my cardiologist. I was nervous. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to hear anything negative, and most importantly, I didn’t want to hear “NO.” I worried myself into a big enough frenzy that I ended up having chest pain and had to see him right away. Once I saw him and found that my arrhythmia had changed – it wasn’t life threatening – I began to open up to him about the procedure and needing his clearance. He stopped, became very quiet and looked me square in the eyes. Then he told me it was the best decision he had seen me make and he looked forward to seeing my progress so he could help other patients. After that, the rest of the pre-operative tests were easy and I really didn’t care what anyone else thought (as long as you don’t count my family!).

The weekend before my procedure I could hardly sleep … I wondered if I should tell my family, and if so, what I should tell them. I started with my daughters because they would wonder why Mom was at home for a couple of days during the week. Then came my parents and siblings. Much to my surprise, they only had kind and encouraging words for me. Don’t get me wrong … my family is very loving, but I had dreamed up every scenario in my head of how they would tell me I was doing the wrong thing.  Not a one of them did!

On March 27, 2007, I had the LAP-BAND procedure performed by Dr. Helmuth Billy at JourneyLite of Thousand Oaks. From the moment I became the patient, the staff at Dr. Billy’s office and the team at JourneyLite wrapped themselves around me as a source of comfort and support. In my line of work, I have been in and out of a majority of the 500+ surgery centers that exist in California, and I have <em>never</em> seen a more compassionate and skillful group of people.

I woke up sore, with radiating shoulder pain, and wondered if I had made the right decision. It was uncomfortable, I wanted to go home, and everyone was staring at me. But as the cloud of anesthesia dissipated, I realized that I was on the other side and that I now was the proud owner of a LAP-BAND! … and now, I needed to start utilizing my tool to guide my new journey.